"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!" (Psalm 34.8)
Bittersweet. This is the word that describes so much of my experience now. Things like enjoying Kung-Fu Panda with Lucas, and Midi's cousin Mina's family are bittersweet. Bitter because I think of how much Nathan would have enjoyed the slapstick humor and how much Midi would have enjoyed the verbal silliness with me and what a fun day out it would have been for my family. But yet it is also sweet. Seeing Lucas laugh heartily and talk about scenes from the movie with me days later is sweet. Growing in my love for Lucas is sweet.
My heart is expanding. I can feel it growing. My capacity to love better is greater. Even a wonderful thing like this is bittersweet. Bitter because I wish that I could love Midi and Nathan with this improved me. This will not go away this side of heaven. But it is so sweet what God is doing with me as I continue to trust in Him. What He is doing out of the ashes is a miracle. There is no rational explanation for why I am not a complete mess. I am not willing it to happen. I get strength, comfort, truth and perspective from the Word. I drink the Living Water. And I have a committed family of faith that loves me and lifts me up. I am a blessed man.
So while I will always feel the bitterness of loss and pain until the day I die, I am able to experience sweetness in life with Jesus greater than I was able to before the tragedy. I vowed to Midi that I would honor her. I believe that I do so by loving others with this sweeter love that I am able to give - to Lucas, to family, to my community, to my friends, and to the lost.
Nathan - April 2007
Midi - April 2007 - She's so beautiful!
The Bucha Boys
They Loved to Wrestle
4 comments:
That's really what it is about, isn't it? We need to take our lives' pain and anger and turn it over to God, trust Him, and let the Spirit move through us to create a different but better person than we were before "whatever" happened. I too have my "whatever" that happened and yes, so many experiences have been bittersweet. And I too am now anticipating death - to see Jesus, yes, but to also share my love with my still born twins'.
Bittersweet.
I continue to be amazed at your strength and courage and how easily you accept God's grace.
Thanks for your continued sharing with us. So good to see the Lord's grace in your life.
Keep loving God and your baby boy with everything that you have. Thankful for your testimony...praying for you.
Mark, we are all so grateful for your courage to be honest and transparent before the Lord and people who care about you, even those who don't know you.
My words don't do justice to the gratitude I feel for what you have been able to share with the world in the midst of great pain, your hope and strength in God's grace is inspiring beyond any words can convey.
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