Today was a challenging day of parenting. Lucas spilled a full cup of milk all over the floor. I wasn't pleased, but I forgave him, cleaned it up, and strongly urged him to use both hands and to pay attention (I think he knocked it over because he was fixated on the TV). After giving him another cup of milk, I briefly went to the other room. When I returned, I found that the second cup of milk had been spilled. I sent Lucas to his room, angrily cleaned up the mess, and stormed up the stairs to confront him. Trying to talk to him, I found that I was really seething with anger. So I left him in the room and went to mine to think about how to handle the situation. This was the first time since Midi died that I felt so burdened by the weight of raising a child by myself. I looked up at a framed collage of Midi and Nathan and acutely felt Midi's absence as a parent and partner. I wept. I wished that Midi was with us. My instincts told me to lash out in anger over Lucas' carelessness. But I knew that if Midi was present, she would show patience and grace to her son. I somehow felt empowered to do the same. So I went to Lucas' room and I looked into his eyes and told him that I forgave him. Then I held him for a long time.
Midi's influence on me is great. Moments such as these are so bittersweet, as is much of life now. I bitterly miss Midi. But I am so grateful that I was blessed to have her in my life, to be her partner and lover. Her lasting impact on me is sweet. I loved Lucas better today because of Midi.