I've been realizing more these days that I am not just mourning my own loss, but I am mourning on Lucas' behalf as well. I guess since he is so young, he is not able to grieve in the same way that I have been grieving. This is a blessing, but in a way it causes me great sadness. In a way, I want him to feel the acute loss because it would show he remembers them and longs to be with them again - like I do. It pains me to think that it is possible that when Lucas is older, he will not remember his Oh-ma and his twin brother. It seems that the majority of adults do not have vivid memories from their first four years of life. We have pictures and some video, but it is my hope that somehow Lucas is able to retain some vivid happy memories of his mommy and brother and these memories are etched in his brain.
As Lucas' life moves forward and he experiences new things, it is so bittersweet for me. This past Saturday, Lucas had his first T-ball game. It was so much fun watching him and all of the other children play and learn. I took the videocamera to capture it which probably saved me from feeling the tougher emotions...at least during the game. But each time Lucas experiences a new thing and I enjoy his life, it makes me sad that he has to go through it without his best friend and his mommy. Nathan would have loved playing T-ball with his "big" brother, too. And Midi would have enjoyed watching her boys play so much. It is times like these that I feel lonely - for Lucas and for myself.
And I think of who Lucas will become. He will not be the same teenager, young adult, or man that he would have been with the steady influence of his amazing mother throughout the rest of his life. Midi was truly special. I think of the Lucas at age 18 who had his mommy's tender love, compassion, gentle spirit, and grace and I mourn that he doesn't exist. There is no substitute for the love that Lucas will miss out on from Midi. I know that I do not have the same gifts that Midi possessed. I can only love Lucas from who I am. I can only hope and pray that the God who made Midi and gifted her so generously will somehow impart these qualities on Lucas in some other way. And I must trust that He will. But it still hurts me that it won't be through Midi.