Monday, April 28, 2008

Mourning for Lucas

Mommy and Lucas (April 2005)

Our Family (July 2007)

I've been realizing more these days that I am not just mourning my own loss, but I am mourning on Lucas' behalf as well. I guess since he is so young, he is not able to grieve in the same way that I have been grieving. This is a blessing, but in a way it causes me great sadness. In a way, I want him to feel the acute loss because it would show he remembers them and longs to be with them again - like I do. It pains me to think that it is possible that when Lucas is older, he will not remember his Oh-ma and his twin brother. It seems that the majority of adults do not have vivid memories from their first four years of life. We have pictures and some video, but it is my hope that somehow Lucas is able to retain some vivid happy memories of his mommy and brother and these memories are etched in his brain.

As Lucas' life moves forward and he experiences new things, it is so bittersweet for me. This past Saturday, Lucas had his first T-ball game. It was so much fun watching him and all of the other children play and learn. I took the videocamera to capture it which probably saved me from feeling the tougher least during the game. But each time Lucas experiences a new thing and I enjoy his life, it makes me sad that he has to go through it without his best friend and his mommy. Nathan would have loved playing T-ball with his "big" brother, too. And Midi would have enjoyed watching her boys play so much. It is times like these that I feel lonely - for Lucas and for myself.

And I think of who Lucas will become. He will not be the same teenager, young adult, or man that he would have been with the steady influence of his amazing mother throughout the rest of his life. Midi was truly special. I think of the Lucas at age 18 who had his mommy's tender love, compassion, gentle spirit, and grace and I mourn that he doesn't exist. There is no substitute for the love that Lucas will miss out on from Midi. I know that I do not have the same gifts that Midi possessed. I can only love Lucas from who I am. I can only hope and pray that the God who made Midi and gifted her so generously will somehow impart these qualities on Lucas in some other way. And I must trust that He will. But it still hurts me that it won't be through Midi.


Aunt Debbie said...

Dear Mark,
For those of us left behind, it was such a blessing to have known Midi and Nathan. I wish every time I see you and Lucas at family gatherings, that Midi and Nathan would somehow pop around the corner with their huge smiles as they always had. Their pictures remind me so vividly of what beautiful people they were! Please keep in your heart their memories and know that you are a good and caring father to Lucas. Yes, he may be a different person at 18 without his mother and brother, but the good friends and family around you will help influence him to be as strong, intelligent and caring as you and Midi have been to all of us. I came from a somewhat broken family, but good friends, good influences, and a strong grandfather helped me prevail over countless frustrations. Be strong Mark and never fear to ask for help or support at any time.

Much Love to you and Lucas,
Aunt Debbie

courtney said...

Dear Mark,

I came upon your blog through Dave Palmer's. I just read every entry... thank you for giving me the chance to do that. I know Dave through Servant Partners. I live above Scott and Jenny Hall. I graduated from Gabrielino in 2002. I mention these things because I don't know you, but we are connected. My roommates and I were praying for you before we knew any details. A friend had felt compelled to attend Midi's and Nathan's funeral, but felt she couldn't go because she didn't know them and doesn't know you. She watched the recording of the funeral and later shared that God healed her in some way through it. I feel a connection with you and your family because we share a love relationship with Jesus.

Thank you for sharing deeply.

in Christ,
Courtney Hong

Atziri Camarena said...

I can say that those pictures are great. I think that in the long run as Lucas gets older he will appreciate everything that you have done for him to make this situation a lot easier for him. Although it is tough for you at the end god knows why and god will continue to bless you more for being so strong not only with yourself but also for your family.

Love always,
Atziri Camarena

Rebecca said...

Dear Mark,
You are being a great father to Lucas by giving him the space and accepting him as he is during his grieving process. I can imagine how much you'd want to see him express his sadness at the loss of his brother and mother, but I suspect that even as a four year old, he needs his time and space to grieve. I am trusting God with you for Lucas that what is lacking because of Midi's absence, that God would meet him in abundant ways through you and others. Lucas is a fortunate to have you as his father.

Much love to you.