Monday, April 21, 2008

The Happiest Moment of My Life

Nathan and Lucas at 2 months old
The happiest moment of my life was the time when Midi and I found out that we were having twins. I can remember it so vividly. We went to Dr. Herald Brundage's office in Burbank knowing that Midi was pregnant. The pregnancy test that we took a few days earlier confirmed that. So as we sat in the exam room waiting for Dr. Brundage to do the ultrasound, I remember feeling so close to Midi. We knew that we were starting an exciting journey...the beginning of the rest of our lives together. Dr. Brundage came in and started the exam. A few seconds into it, he says, "Oh! Do you know what you are looking at?" We reply, "No." And he said, "Well, here is your baby and here....is the other one!" They looked like a couple of peanuts. Both of us were completely surprised. I remember that I immediately started giggling - probably a combination of nervousness and pure joy. That is a feeling that I will never forget. The purity of that moment is one that I cannot explain. It was perfect. There was not even a tinge of terror or denial that I thought I would have if I found out I was having twins. It was pure joy. At that moment I felt like my heart was yearning to be the father of twins. My whole being was completely ready. I just held Midi securely as we laughed and cried together.
I don't know that anyone who has not parented twins can know how awesome it is. Of course, it was a lot of work taking care of them. But the daily pleasures of having two babies and watching them grow and relate to one another were something that I would never trade. Having to take care them required Midi and I to be excellent partners to one another. And the boys always had each other. They never had to sleep alone or play alone or do anything alone. They were so close...best friends. I loved my family and how God formed it. To me, it was perfect.
So as I remember the happiest moment of my life, I have so many emotions running through me. I can still connect to the feelings of joy and exhiliration. I can still feel the closeness with Midi. I can still feel that sense of awe and hopefulness. But now, I also feel such intense pain at all that I have lost. So I realize that even my happy memories are now ones that I can only look back on through the lens of loss. I can't look back on the happy memories that Midi and I shared with her. Midi is gone. I have not lost the memories, but I have lost the ability to remember with only joy. Now pain accompanies everything.

8 comments:

The Eilers said...

Mark - We have been reading your blog since Dave told us about it, and wanted you to know how very much you are on our mind. We are praying that God will give you wisdom as you raise Lucas and that He will give you what you need to get through the pain. Thank you for sharing so many memories of Midi and Nathan - we feel like we are getting to know them better and are able to celebrate their lives more so because of that. Your blog helps us pray for your specifically, and hopefully in that, to carry some of your burden. We wish we could carry more of it for you. Much love,
The Eilers

Anonymous said...

I am continuing to pray for you and Lucas, Mark. I am so glad that you two have one another.
Kris

Yang said...

Mark, thank you for the hope you speak into the lives of so many who mourn with you and share in your grief. I can't imagine all that you must be fighting through day to day, but I know the Lord walks with you in all that you are burdened with, may His grace constantly guide you into peace and hope. I pray for you and Lucas often, remember you are always in the prayers of many.

Keith said...

Mark - I came across your blog by accident (sort of) -- my wife reads your blog and thus it's in the browser's history.

In your sharing, it has inspired the rest of us to love even more and trust even more in God.

Thank you, Keith C.

Michelle Van Loon said...

Thank you for sharing your life in this way.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mark-
While I am always deeply affected by your blog entries, this one in particular moves me to respond given that the initial source of our connection was our common bond as fathers of twin boys. From the moment you reached out to me by dropping me a note, I have felt the gift of your warmth and generosity of spirit. The benefits that I have reaped from your wisdom have followed. I am constantly and increasingly struck by your open heartedness. I continue to feel blessed to have you as a friend and, while I have always thanked God for blessing me with a wonderful family, having you as a friend has helped me to appreciate how incredibly fortunate I am. Penelope and I think of you every day and pray for you. You continue to make me a better husband and father.
Love, Scott

Michelle Kim said...

I still remember the day that Midi called me to inform me that she was expecting twins. In fact, I remember her exact words as if it was just yesterday. Knowing that our fathers' side had a history of twins, I never imagined that it would be Midi, out of all of our cousins, that would be the one from our generation with twins. She and you were blessed wih the most amazing gift of Lucas and Nathan. I pray for you and Lucas always...

Anonymous said...

Mr. Mikasa, even pain may remain constand, hopefully you can stongly live with hope ( just as what you wrote on your blog). i dare not say i understand all your feelings, but i know you are a strong man. with Lucas, in the rest of your life, God will be always with you and bless you all the time. we are inspired by your braveness,and will pray for you and Lucas. pardon my poor English-- your student in 2007 year