The happiest moment of my life was the time when Midi and I found out that we were having twins. I can remember it so vividly. We went to Dr. Herald Brundage's office in Burbank knowing that Midi was pregnant. The pregnancy test that we took a few days earlier confirmed that. So as we sat in the exam room waiting for Dr. Brundage to do the ultrasound, I remember feeling so close to Midi. We knew that we were starting an exciting journey...the beginning of the rest of our lives together. Dr. Brundage came in and started the exam. A few seconds into it, he says, "Oh! Do you know what you are looking at?" We reply, "No." And he said, "Well, here is your baby and here....is the other one!" They looked like a couple of peanuts. Both of us were completely surprised. I remember that I immediately started giggling - probably a combination of nervousness and pure joy. That is a feeling that I will never forget. The purity of that moment is one that I cannot explain. It was perfect. There was not even a tinge of terror or denial that I thought I would have if I found out I was having twins. It was pure joy. At that moment I felt like my heart was yearning to be the father of twins. My whole being was completely ready. I just held Midi securely as we laughed and cried together.
I don't know that anyone who has not parented twins can know how awesome it is. Of course, it was a lot of work taking care of them. But the daily pleasures of having two babies and watching them grow and relate to one another were something that I would never trade. Having to take care them required Midi and I to be excellent partners to one another. And the boys always had each other. They never had to sleep alone or play alone or do anything alone. They were so close...best friends. I loved my family and how God formed it. To me, it was perfect.
So as I remember the happiest moment of my life, I have so many emotions running through me. I can still connect to the feelings of joy and exhiliration. I can still feel the closeness with Midi. I can still feel that sense of awe and hopefulness. But now, I also feel such intense pain at all that I have lost. So I realize that even my happy memories are now ones that I can only look back on through the lens of loss. I can't look back on the happy memories that Midi and I shared with her. Midi is gone. I have not lost the memories, but I have lost the ability to remember with only joy. Now pain accompanies everything.