Sunday, February 10, 2008

The Zoo

Today, Lucas and I went to the San Diego Zoo with my sister, brother-in-law, niece, nephew, cousin, and aunt. It was a beautiful day. Lucas got to wear shorts and a short sleeve t-shirt for the first time in months. We saw the baby panda, lions, bears, elephants, gorillas, orangutans, hippos, and many other animals. Lucas had a blast. For me, although I enjoyed the beautiful day and the company of my family, it was another tough day. It was just so sad for me when I saw Lucas and his cousins climb up on a bronze hippo for a picture and give a sillyface pose. Seeing that made me so painfully aware of the absence of Nathan. And it was sad when I saw a double stroller with twins inside. I felt overwhelmed today by the absence of Nathan and Midi. They should have been there with us. I think that any time I'm in a context which previously was a time for the four of us to bond as a family, I feel this acute pain. I think that this is especially true for special outings like the zoo or any vacation.

But I feel this pain every day. I feel this pain when I pick up Lucas from preschool because I remember how I would pick Nathan and Lucas up and talk to them about their day while driving home. And I remember waiting with them for Midi to come home from work and celebrating her arrival with hugs and kisses. I feel this pain nightly when I get Lucas ready for bed because I remember how I would bathe the boys and how Nathan would have his puppyhead towel and Lucas would have his lionhead towel and they would go downstairs naked to get Midi to come upstairs. And I remember how they would jump on their beds and how Midi and I would lay down next to them to read books and pray. And I remember how on most nights one or both of us would fall asleep next to our twin angels. I feel this pain every Saturday when Lucas and I go to Baachan's house because I remember how we would all go as a family. And I remember how the boys would play together and watch the same Clifford VHS tape every week. And I remember how Midi would love to sit in the massage chair and how she would love to talk with my extended family. I miss them so much that I actually feel physical pain sometimes...in my throat or chest.

I spend every waking moment thinking about them and missing them in some form or another. I have no idea what healing will look like for me. Will it mean that I will stop thinking about them as much? Will it mean that when I do think about them, it won't hurt as badly? Will it mean that I can enjoy family times without thinking about how Midi and Nathan are missing? Will it mean I can laugh freely again without feeling like I shouldn't? What will it mean?

5 comments:

Bison said...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for the blog. I just discovered it today. In catching up and reading through it, I am very grateful for your honesty and openness. You are being a blessing to others in this time.

It is also encouraging to read the comments from your students, and see that they really care about you and have been moved by your life and relationship with them.

I also really appreciate the updates on Lucas.

Even though we haven't talked much the last few years, you are still very close to my heart.


PS- I would love to get you and Lucas out to my place for a little BBQ and Dodger Game when the season starts!!! I live about 2 miles from the stadium.

Fred said...

Mark,

I also want to thank you for your courage and openness in all of your struggles, especially with this blog. I am truly proud of you and am praying for you and Lucas every day.

Without question, it is because you loved Midi & Nathan so much that you are experiencing the pain of their separation so sharply every waking moment. I am afraid none of us has the answer as to what your eventual healing will look like, or when, but stay the course, brother. Stay the course. I, too, choose pain with hope alongside you. "Jesus, help our unbelief."

Mina said...

Mark,
I am always touched and blessed by your thoughtful words. You have such beautiful memories of Midi, Nathan, and your loving family life. Thank you for sharing those precious memories with us. I miss Midi and Nathan terribly. Your blog is a source of real encouragement for many of us.

You and Lucas are always on my mind and in my prayers.

ywh_why said...

Mr. Mikasa,
Its me Eugene, EFF. Did u get the card from us? We wanted to show u our support from the card that we signed.
Candy, Nicole and me hope to see u soon, and just to let u know we supported you and we look forward to see u again at school. It is boring without u in second period and at lunch. Miss u and I hope to talk to u soon.

Sandy said...

Dear Mark,
Thank you for this precious gift that you are giving to all of us. I am so moved by your blog...your openness about your pain,your love for Midi, Nathan and Lucas, you letting us journey with you. It's a mix of such utter pain and yet such beauty to see your heart trusting in Jesus. It's a gift to be able to know more specifically how to be praying for you and Lucas.

I've been wondering how Lucas' first week at his new school has been going, so thank you for letting us know. I was praying for it to go well after seeing you at Fountain of Life. I'm sorry that my kids were such a handful that I didn't end up getting to sit next to you for very long. It was good to see you, Mark.

I am so moved to see how loved you are at your school. I'm not at all surprised, but it's beautiful to see the impact you have had in your students' lives.

We will continue to keep you in our prayers. With much love, Sandy Schaupp and family