Saturday, January 26, 2008

Pain is Constant

It has been 25 days since the tragedy. I don't want to call it just an "accident" because it was so much more. Physically, the doctors told me that my cracked ribs (I have three) will heal in about six to eight weeks. That seems about right. They feel about half healed. I still feel constant discomfort. Little things like picking up Lucas,turning over in bed, or just sitting in a car occasionally cause slight pain, but it's not too bad. As for Lucas, he suffered some whiplash. He seems to be getting better as he is able to turn his head more, but he definitely is cautious about his neck. When he turns to look at something he still favors turning his entire body keeping his neck still, rather than just turning his head. Some of that may be psychological. He has to learn to trust his neck again.

I have so much to say. I know a blog is out there for everybody to see, but that's OK. I've always been a pretty transparent person for those who know me well. No guile. I guess the weirdest thing is that I have students, past and present, who will get to know a completely different part of me that I have not revealed in the classroom. That's OK, too. I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed about. I guess this blog thing will be like a journal. I hope that it will also be like a conversation. If you out there have something you'd like to say, then feel free to comment. Someday, Lucas will be able to read what I wrote. I hope this blesses him.

There are two things that I want to post tonight. The first is about some wisdom that I received from my friend, Chris. About a week after I returned home from the hospital, I was sitting in my office (Lucas' playroom) with my Barbarian brothers (more on that some other time) just talking and Chris spoke a very simple yet profound truth. He told me that there are two paths that I can choose: pain with despair or pain with hope. No matter what, pain is constant. Since the tragedy, I have chosen pain with hope. Though I am suffering and grieving intensely, I have also been filled with a peace that can only be supernatural, not from my own will power. A peace that can only be provided by the Holy Spirit. I have cried out to God and He has met me in my darkest moments. Praise God. I feel that He is going through this with me. He has not left me. I am not despairing.

Second, many of you have said that you are here for me and Lucas. I thank you. The support I've had has been tremendous. I am so rich when it comes to the things that last, loving relationships. What I wanted to say to all of you is that as you are here for me, I am here for you also. This may sound weird considering that I have lost my wife and my son. But you are experiencing loss also. I am not the only one suffering. We walk through this season of pain together.


PT said...

mark, thanks for your post. i appreciate hearing how you are doing. wanted to say hello at the service but had to leave. may God be ever so present during this time.

John Teter said...

Mark, thank you for sharing your heart and mind. I am honored to walk with you as we choose pain with hope.

I am so thankful for you and eager to read more of your writings.

Scott said...

Mark, Midi and Nathan are smiling down on you. You've done a wonderful thing in starting this blog. As one of the people who care so much about you and Lucas, I'm so glad you are letting us reach out to you, and that you are reaching out to us. Thanks for letting me know how to find your blog.

Kathleen said...


It takes such strength of character to choose the "pain with hope" path. John and I were mentioning today how much we respect you and your relationship with God.

I'm not sure how many grieving people are able to experience God in the same way you are. I praise God for His faithfulness to you, but also for your faithfulness to Him.

"Grief with hope" is a powerful witness, and I've told many non-believers about your humble response. It's so God. All they can say is "Wow".

God is alive in you Mark, and it's a beautiful thing to witness.

Joe said...

I'm so glad that you are sharing your heart with us. It will be a great blessing for Lucas as well. As you choose to experience pain with hope you are inspiring me and many others to choose the same. I'm excited to journey with you guys and see where God leads us.

Monique said...

Mr. Mikasa, I still feel weird calling you Mark because for so many years you were my teacher. But more than that I considered you to be a mentor and a father figure in a time of my life where I needed it the most. I put the Christmas that you had mailed me of your sons and a picture of my cousin Gilbert in my scrapbook. That big black book with all my pictures and memories everyone was looking at during my high school graduation party. And I wrote a message in it that was given to me by my cousin Gilbert's mother a few months after he passed. It says...the Lord replied: "My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Amber P said...

Mr. Mikasa,
It is good to know that you're okay and that you're slowly coping with your loss. I'm just very grateful that you and your son are doing well. I've never met Lucas but he seems to be very strong for such a little boy and I have never seen that before. I really admire how you still look at the brighter side and keep postitive. Your blogs really inspired me to look around and be thankful for what I have. It's one thing to have a cool teacher in the classroom, but it's another thing to see a cool teacher still be a great person and an inspiration outside of the classroom. You've really opened the eyes of others, showing us that just because we have lost something, doesn't mean we need to take to negative measures to solve our problems.

It must be kind of weird hearing all this from me because all I ever say is lame jokes, but what I have typed above is really how I feel.
Well, just to let you know if you don't know already, 0 period misses you a lot and so does the rest of the school! I have plenty of lame jokes to tell you when you come back =) But for now, I'll leave you with a joke that I've already told before:
What did the student octopus say to her teacher octopus who was going through a tough time?
"I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand"